so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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