: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
