Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
