I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
