i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
