I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
