tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize