Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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