New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
These tits shall not be calmed
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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