Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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