I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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