yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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