I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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