just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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