I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
