So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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