I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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