Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I love you. Go after that dick
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
