We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
