Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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