I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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