Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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