my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Four minutes until I can fart!
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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