well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
