Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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