My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
