Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
