What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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