I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
