Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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