3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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