I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
