He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
