when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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