12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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