Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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