You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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