the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
They took my balls.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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