The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
