i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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