Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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