at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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