Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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