Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
