I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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