i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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