Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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