Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
