Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
