it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
