i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
