Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Randomize
