you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm too high and old for this...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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