My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
