So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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