I faked an abortion last night.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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