Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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